surrender
honestly, i don't ever recall a struggle with God like this. most issues of surrender having been that painful. the most i ever felt was a slight tinge of heartache and a week full of pondering upon the "what-ifs" that constantly plague my life. but really, there was never been a moment a struggled so badly.
i'm torn between cf and xcountry / track. i know He's called me for something great in ac, and i don't doubt that He can use me no matter where i am. yet, with time passing and through different times of sharing with people, the calling to give up xcountry and track and to join cf (and as a comm member later in the year) has become more obvious. it's changed from "i shall join cross" to "i shall join cross and cf" to "i think i need to commit my all to cf, leaving me no time for cross", and the latter option is something that i'm struggling with. for one, it's something i like doing, and the people i know there. and i am definitely not for the idea of giving up halfway. years of training should not be laid to waste just like that, should they?
and when you make sacrifices, it's painful enough. what could be worse? being misunderstood. i'm not joining cos i'm scared of competition; cos they're better than me; cos my injury got the better of me. on a personal level, those words come from people who, though claiming to be supportive friends, want me out of running for their own reasons. and really, i don't think there's any other reason than God. nothing else would and could cause me to make that decision. so the next time you want to say something about it, think twice (more if you need to) and don't.
as if the whole decision making process was not hard enough, there are the additional pressures that one feels when stepping into a seasonal calling. and contrary to popular belief, i would rather shy from the spotlight than be in it. but that's not the case now. and when things are public you feel the scrutiny and weight on your shoulders because you know you have to step up and meet those expectations. it's not that i seek to please man, but at times, impressions must be maintained. it's the same reason why we dress well for church. it's not to make an impression on others, but if a newcomer's around, it does make a good impression.
i don't think i've ever felt this...burdened before. but i'll hold on to what kf said. the breaking and moulding period is the storm before revival.
take it all ;
5:46 PM
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